Whether you’re making magic in a MINI, doing it on the backseat of a Beetle, exercising in a Bimmer xDrive, attempting different positions in a Lotus or popping her cherry in a Chery, it’s worth doing some homework beforehand, so there won’t be any complication with the fornication. No motorist likes to be caught with his pants down.
Cavorting in a car is like a conjugation of Route 66 and Hotel 81 – it’s affordable, enjoyable and a little risky. In Singapore, sex in a public place is an offence “viewed” as an Obscene Act under the Penal Code. If convicted, you could be imprisoned for up to three months, or fined, or slapped with both punishments.
To minimise your chances of premature exhilaration and to discharge your obligations as a law-abiding, consenting adult, remember the following pointers (nothing too serious, by the way)…
CARAVAN OF LOVE
Obviously, you need a set of wheels so you can drive somewhere to “park and ride”. Any vehicle will do, as long as the seats are comfortable (preferably leather-trimmed to repel accidental bodily fluids), the air-con is strong (so the two of you won’t sweat any more than necessary) and the cabin is roomy enough. In terms of shag space… oops, I mean shared space, a station wagon is good, an SUV is better and a MPV is best.
A multi-purpose vehicle is supposed to be versatile, and “mobile bedroom” can be one of its multiple functions. Even a compact MPV gives headroom aplenty, the chairs can be configured every which way to accommodate the wild and agile in their acrobatic pursuit of mutual happiness, and there are many storage points for “toys”, “raincoats” and “engine lubricants”. If your MPV comes with curtains, it’s even more convenient to enjoy intense intimacy in relative privacy.
It’s highly recommended to park your passion wagon in a secluded place in the middle of nowhere, with nobody around. Finding the ideal spot is easier in an SUV, which can venture further off the beaten track. But Singapore is a suburban jungle, with few really ulu areas that the general public can enter and exit freely. Even a far-flung corner of the island is probably a stone’s throw from some government property, construction site or army camp.
The trick is to look for nooks that can be used for nooky – without being spooky. Many commercial buildings, especially those in the central business district, have deep-down basement parking facilities that become deserted after office hours, and certain HDB multi-storey carparks are empty on their upper decks, with “hideaway” lots that are poorly lit, and perfectly blocked by pillars. Industrial estates, too, are potential secret venues for interesting intercourse.
However, even a quickie needs an element of luck, because there might be parking wardens doing their rounds, policemen or security guards on patrol, and inquisitive night owls hanging around. If you’re unlucky, you might suffer “coitus interruptus” caused by unwelcome visitors.
Of course, even the most spacious car can only be a makeshift motel – without a mattress, attached toilet or room service. But the doors and windows are tight, the seat cushions are cushy, and the hi-fi set is likely to be decent, playing romantic songs that help you rise to the occasion. With the Boyz II Men ballad I’ll Make Love To You playing on the radio as you get it on, it’s hard not to fall for the automobile’s unique “sex” appeal.
THE “CARMA SUTRA” – TIPS ON SCORING IN YOUR CAR SAFELY
* Plaster With Newspaper
Unless you’re an exhibitionist who wants to be front-page news, make sure all your car windows and windscreens are well covered.
* Wear And Tear
Loose clothing lets you get undressed without stress. Zippers are “faster” than buttons and jeans are “slower” than pants/skirts.
* Keep It Up
The handbrake should be engaged throughout your session, so any vigorous rocking won’t cause the car to roll down a slope or something.
* Clean And Grin
In case of thrills and spills, prepare paper towels, baby wipes or good old tissues – all three if the action is going to be fast and furious.
* Remember The Rubber
None of the car’s driving aids can save you if you don’t practise safe sex. Even if you perform like a grippy Rex, always deploy your Durex.